I Am Pansexual

This week on Finding Mak, I want to share a little about my sexuality and the common misconceptions that come with it.

My first ex-girlfriend (H) told me she was pansexual before we started dating, but I kind of brushed it off as “oh that thing where you’re attracted to personality”. I never gave it much thought, until I heard the term from a bisexual friend and she had told me she didn't think I was bi. 

I decided to share with you the questions I asked H five years ago, in the hopes of shedding some light on the often misunderstood or overlooked sexual identity. These answers are how I would answer if someone asked me today. 

Give me a personal definition of pansexuality and how you relate to the term.

I think of myself of being somewhat ‘gender-blind’ when it comes to attraction and love. I believe I am capable of feeling romantic feelings towards people of all gender identities, and all biological sexes. I have always had difficulties answering that ever awkward ‘so, what are you?’ question, as since I was fifteen I never felt as if I fitted in to the realms of bisexuality or homosexuality 100%. I’ve always felt as though the gender of a person I am attracted to or have romantic feelings for becomes somewhat irrelevant to me, it’s never really bothered me.

Often, bisexuality and pansexuality are confused. How are they different?

Bisexuality, ‘bi’ implies two – male, female. To me the term bisexual tends to exclude those different gender identities within the gender spectrum. It is still somewhat conforming to gender binary, which I can’t get on board with. I did identify with the term bisexual for a little while but it never felt completely right.

What are some common misconceptions about pansexuality?

That people who are pansexual are "just being greedy" or "promiscuous" or "are just gay but can’t make up their minds/are in denial." I have had all of these things assumed of me before many times! Another common thing to hear is "eww, you find everyone attractive we can't be friends". This is not the slightest bit true. I am able to maintain friendships because I do not find everyone to be attractive. I have found a friend or two attractive at times, but I have limits and would never tell that person unless I knew they felt the same way. 

What are some things that pansexual ally’s can do to help spread awareness?

Getting through to people that pansexuality isn’t about being greedy, confused or in denial! It’s always a bummer hearing those types of things, but with more people understanding, and more people clarifying the meaning of pansexuality (along with other sexual orientations!), I’m sure that would provide some great support.

Where did you find support and information for your identity?

That beautiful thing called the World Wide Web! When I was younger and first started dating people, I did a lot of researching around different sexualities, because I was struggling to find somewhere for me to fit in.

What was your coming out experience like, and what tips would you give others who identify as pansexual?

My ‘coming out’ experience wasn’t exactly a big scene or anything. I remember being almost 16 and had just broke up with H. I was having a lot of issues with the break up and my mom asked me if we were dating. I told her we weren't really ever just friends. My parents still aren't super supportive and still say "its just a phase". It took me a while to come out to a lot of my friends, as being in high school and having a very different mentality about it proved a bit scary. I’d say that with coming out as any sexual orientation, make sure you have someone you can go to – a friend or trusted family member, or even a great source of support like Rainbow Youth to go to if you ever feel lost or upset. A great support system can be a life changer.

What have been some challenges, and what have you learnt since you recognized your pansexual identity?

The only real challenge I have faced is actually explaining the meaning of pansexuality. Lots of people I have discussed it with aren’t aware of issues like gender and gender binary, so trying to explain the different between pansexuality and bisexuality has always proven difficult!

I watched this recently and wanted to share it, which kind of clears things up while addressing the HUGE elephant in the room – the classic, “oh so you’re attracted to pans?” joke.